yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
