I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
