she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
