i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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