turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
