Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
