yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
