so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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