Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
