We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
