That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
