just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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