it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
