I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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