Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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