Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
