dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
