I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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