while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
