I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
