wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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