we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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