There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
