I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
