I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
