apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The best revenge is premature balding
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
