You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
