can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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