Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
