I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
