porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
