Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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