something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
3pm strippers are depressing
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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