So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
