If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
