a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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