i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
