Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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