I showed him my bush... on skype.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
