Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
