P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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