Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
