I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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