Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
