Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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