Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
