Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
