Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
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Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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