Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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