I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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