The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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