if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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