Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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