you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
