Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
