I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
