nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
