part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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